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"My Brain Lies" - Mirror Drawing, 1996

​This mirror drawing from 1996, the first of two across a year, is an example of the way that body distortion can manifest in eating disorders causing us to see ourselves in ways that are not accurate. Completed during the earlier stages of my treatment program with the BCEDA, despite being at one of my lowest, malnourished weights, my mind misperceived my size by 70 pounds. When I looked on a reflective surface, I would see my body as 70 pounds larger than it really was!  The experience was confusing and deeply distressing, for me, my family, friends, even my doctor.

Mirror drawings, and Body Mapping, are a form of Exposure Therapy using art that can help treat body distortion and dysmorphia. Reviewing this mirror drawing with my therapist revealed how 'full' of pain, sadness and anger I was at the time and offered a healthy dose of doubt around perceptions of my body and what was really in the mirror.

To learn more about Expressive Art and Exposure therapies like Mirror Drawing and Body Mapping in the treatment of eating disorders visit these sources:  

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"Ebbing" - Learning to Flex and Float, 1996
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I was fortunate for having a therapist who encouraged me to use forms of Expressive Therapy as an adjunct to CBT. While stabilizing my meals and energy, we agreed that I needed to exercise less frequently and intensely for a while as a way to prevent the injuries over-exercising had been causing. 


While exercise led to feeling numb and disconnected from my body and feelings, writing, drawing, and painting felt like soothing and safe ways to reconnect with these aspects of myself.  


Ebbing tells my story about feeling overwhelmed in chaos, drowning in emotions of pain and sensations of a divided and broken self while working to become grounded and whole by trusting myself to float through that chaos.  


 


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"Foot Out the Door" - Recovery is Hard, 1996
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Recovery is enriching, empowering, informing, and it is Hard. Letting go of behaviours that you believe help you cope, belong, become perfect enough to 'finally' measure up, even when they are killing us, is terrifying. 

In May of 1996, about 4-months into my treatment, I experienced cardiac arrest, a heart attack. I had been working hard to create balance in my nutrition and exercise but had continued misusing laxatives and over-exercising periodically, overtaxing my still strained body.
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Shaken by this scary experience, it felt too big and surreal to express verbally but drawing through it and sharing it with my therapist helped me to process the experience safely and move forward in my recovery. 

Learn more about art therapy for trauma at Psycom and this video from Psychotherapy Networker.

"Connection" - Showing a Shift: A Series at Six Months, 1996
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About 6-months into my eating disorder recovery nutrition, exercise, and skills for self-expression and communication were much improved. I was feeling healthier, less depressed and began feeling more connected to life around me.  

I exchanged beauty and fitness magazines for books that nourished my mind and interests, enjoyed quality time with pets, friends, and nature, and connecting to things that filled me emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.  Long, intense runs that left my shins aching became adventures in local gardens and quiet pine-scented forests.  

These pictures capture the joy of this period of growth and increased connection. The previously broken sense of self from Ebbing replaced by joy and a sense of oneness with the world. 

Bodies in these drawings now resemble mature, empowered women central to the landscape, free to flow, move and nurture without fear of judgement.
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"Finding Balance"
- Mirror Drawing, 1997

Towards the end of my treatment, I was finding balance across life. Nutrition stabilized, body distortion shifted, I was at a healthier weight for my body's build and daily needs, and I had found ways to exercise that felt good rather than punishing. 

I was doing it; I was juggling all of the key components of recovery and had created a solid foundation for maintaining a healthy recovery in the future!

​​You can learn more about Maintenance and the other Stages of Change by visiting,  https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/treatment-and-recovery/stages-of-change/.  
Healthy, sustainable recovery also teaches us, empowers us, to become critical consumers of media and to appreciate the benefits of beauty and body diversity.  
"Loss", "Beneath The Anger" and "In Joy",  2018 - 2020

Today I continue to use art as a form of self-expression. When words feel too big or won't come, paint empowers me to tell the story and free the feelings from within - art is elemental to healing. As acknowledged by Georges Braque, "Art is a wound turned into light".   

I hope you have enjoyed this artistic storytelling of recovery and that it has provided you with a better understanding or curiosity of Expressive Art and Exposure Therapies as meaningful tools for treating eating disorders, body image dissatisfaction and distortion.  Wishing you joy and wellness.

Warmly, 
Michele